It’s 5:30 a.m.  I’m having a hard time sleeping for some reason, even though I shouldn’t have one at all.  Maybe it’s because today is my buddy Rob’s 45^th birthday.  Wow…he is oldJ! The sun goes down around 9 p.m. and begins to come up around 4 a.m.  So right now, we are smack dab in the middle of the high time for the sun here.  I must say, I have never seen such plush green close up.

Sure, I have seen the Discovery Channel, but live, with my own eyeballs, I’ve never seen such plush green.  This green color reminds me of the fact that Croatia is ripe for the gospel.  Oh, how I hope people in Croatia respond to the gospel!!

I’m not sure what today holds for us but I’m hoping that we are going to be able to glorify God and satisfy our souls. 

However, I’m feeling a bit of tension with one of my teammates.  There has been nothing outward to completely show that tension, but perhaps I’m being over-sensitive to this.  I usually am over-sensitive about stuff like this, but with my already-overtaxed emotions, this feeling rises to the top.  So I mow as much as I can, fluttering heart and all. 

How long oh Lord?  How long will I wait for You to answer me?  Please do.

It’s 2 p.m. We are passing out tracts in Petrinja.  Hollie, Dave and I take a section and begin passing out the tracts we’ve been given.  I’m having fun with them.  Hollie is 29, and a high school teacher.  Dave is 20 and is going to a Louisville, Kentucky based college in the fall pending acceptance.  Both of them have a deep love for Jesus.  And…..both of them have a deepening love for one another.  They are courting.  And……..they are cute.  Now don’t let the age difference fool you.  Hollie is neither desperate nor stupid.  Dave is neither immature nor foolish.  They both are incredibly smart, winsome, and …made for one another.  I’m thrilled as we walk and talk and see how God may use us during our trek in Petrinja. 

It’s 6:30 p.m.  We are about to start day 2 of our training.  More people show up!  That’s a good thing for me to see.  However, lurking in the back of my mind is that tension that gnaws at me like a mosquito on a Houstonian during summer.  Nevertheless, by God’s grace, I am able to keep that tension at bay during our training times. 

It’s 8:30 p.m.  A car pulls into the driveway of the church, and out pops Pero!!  I’m glad to see him, and his smile is becoming quite comforting.  Pero tells me that he is sharing in the mid-week service tomorrow night, but is glad to let me preach instead.  I defer, partially out of respect due this man, and partially because I’m woefully under-prepared.  However, he insists that he translates for me and for me to preach tomorrow night.

So………I’m preaching Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. 

My head is spinning…..for vastly different reasons…..

It’s 11 p.m.  We are having our team meeting tonight.  I’m asking us to remember (actually, I’m preaching to myself but am letting others listen in) why we are here, and how important unity is.

I read Ephesians 4:1-5. 

 1I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— 5 one Lord, one faith,one baptism,

We, I….must bear with one another.  We must do it in love, joyfully even.  We are the same team.  While we have different gifts, we have one Lord.  We must keep our unity around the cross of our one Savior. 

It’s 11:35.  I’m sleepy.  My head is spinning again…this time because I’m tired.

It’s 8 a.m.  The sun is once again out.  I’m struck with a weird conviction, at least weird for 8 a.m. on my mom’s birthday.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!   When I’m able to see the beauty of the land, with its multiple shades of green and different textures, I’m reminded again of the creativity of God.  God has made a very beautiful world….one which I’ve been given stewardship over.  Now, don’t write me off because I just went “green.”  I’m not a tree-hugger.  I just think that I need to be very careful of stewarding this gift that God has given all of us.  To be blunt:  I’m not good at it and I need to be better.

Due to my…..handicap…..there are things around the camp that I’m not able to do, such as pulling roof tiles, digging post holes, or standing still.  Okay, just kidding about the standing still.  However, there is one job that I can maybe do…

Scything!!  What is scything?  Picture the Grim Reaper.  Remember his weapon?  That’s a scythe.  We had a lot of tall grass/weeds to get down to help the camp be ready for summer season.

“This is it,” I muttered, “finally something I can actually do!”  I was ready to jump in with both feet and get scythe-y with it. 

And then it happens.

The one thing I was hoping wouldn’t happen.

My heart starts to act up.  I’m fluttering.

Before I left, I was given clearance to begin running again.  Now, I’m no long distance runner, but the ability to at least do this gives me some solace.  That is until my heart started to flutter about thirty seconds in.  Now, “flutter” is not a technical term, that’s my term.  I would beat, and then it would seem like my heart needed to beat more than the pacemaker would allow it.  It’s a strange feeling.  The first time it happened, my heart kept fluttering and beating somewhat heavy all day long.  So, like a complete numb-skull, I did it again twice more before leaving.  And each time, the effect wore off quicker and quicker. 

But with a heavy weapon that strikes fear in the hearts of weeds everywhere, I don’t want to take that chance of over-fluttering.  So with a heavy heart (bah-dum-dum-crash!!) I turn over my lethal weapon to a teenager who is more equipped to do the job…since his heart actually beats right.  I confess a level of frustration I’ve rarely felt ever in my life at this point.

“Why am I here?  I can’t even do a job like scything.  I’m worthless to this trip, and to this group of people, much less to you God!”  I’m praying…..err…..whining to God.  And at that moment….I hear the sound of my “salvation.”

If you know my history, you know that my father has woken me up brutally early on Saturdays to take care of our lawn.  When we lived in Kingwood (1983-1997), there were many a Saturday when I either wanted to watch wrestling (which came on at 9 a.m.) or sleep in (due to staying up late on Friday).  And Dad would have none of either excuse.

“Time to get up.  That yard isn’t going to cut itself,” Dad would say.  Saturday after Saturday, I would mow and weed eat the yard, muttering why couldn’t God make grass that would always stay the same length.  Even though I hated mowing during my teenage/young adult years, I can honestly say that after Dad, Nelly, and Kristina moved to Charlotte in 1997, I began to miss mowing.

I’ve actually mowed the grass at my parents’ house in Charlotte more than once, and strangely…..I actually began to enjoy it!  I never would have thought I would say that, but it’s there in print, in front of the whole www universe.

That sound I hear is the sound of a lawn mower.

And I politely ask the guy mowing if I can take over due to my heart condition.  He graciously allows me to do so, and I’m happier than Angelina Jolie’s lip surgeon when the bill comes in. 

I’m mowing, while others are sanding, repairing, and roofing.  This is great.  Finally usefulness!!

My feelings of usefulness go away faster than a one hit wonder band’s time at the top.  Halfway through my first mow-row, my heart flutters again. 

At this point, many swear words are entering my thought process.  I don’t say any of them.  But I confess….they are there.  Why can’t I do anything without my heart getting in the way?  And I mean that in a physical and spiritual sense?  Why does my heart so often betray me?  Especially now?

Either I’m too stubborn to care, or too tenacious to give up (second choice is my preferred choice), and I keep going.  I’ll stop long enough to get the flutter under control, but I’m determined to do something that’s of worth.  In fact, I actually obtain a very nice farmer’s tan!!

It’s 3 p.m.  We head to the Moscenica church to pass out tracts that are targeted at showing Christ through soccer/football.  Keaton and I encounter a few dogs and a weird rooster that keeps our interest, and before long are back at the church getting ready for the modified training.  While I’m not opposed to passing out tracts, I wonder though:  How effective is this going to be?  Shouldn’t I try to spend time with these people before shoving something down their throats?  Wouldn’t they be more receptive if I didn’t dive-bomb something in their mailbox? 

It’s 6 p.m.  Darko lives in a house on the church property and is a retired barber.  He offers to give a haircut and a shave, and I take him up on it.  He shaves me with a straight razor, which scars….whoops…scares me a little.  He is a gracious man who will not take any money from me, telling me that it is his honor to cut my hair!  Now, if my haircutter lady said that…she may get more of a tipJ!!  (I tip her well, so put your fears at ease.)

Tim and I launch into the training.  Tim talks about Bible study and I mention accountability…..or the process by which people help others keep enjoying God and checking up on them in their journey with Christ.  I’m not sure if it’s relief or what, but I think that the time goes well.  People are trained, and even our core group sits in to observe.

It’s 8:15 p.m. and we are in downtown Sisak at another ice cream café.  I lap it up like a dog to water on a Houston summer day.  While their ice cream is good….really good….I don’t think I’m going to cede the title of best ever to them I’ve decided.

It’s 10:30 p.m. and I’m tired.  Today is nearly tomorrow, and I’m ready to face whatever.  God is good to me. 

It’s 7:30 a.m. and the sun is out.  That is encouraging after feeling like I’m in Seattle, Washington (where it rains 300 days out of the year.  Ironically, Seattle has had a high rate of suicide….maybe the Carpenters were right…rainy days and Mondays always get me down?)  We went to church in Moscenica (Mo-shan-eat-su).  I saw this verse on their screen projector (yes, they have projectors and power point!)

“Preusti Jahvi putave svaje u njega se uzdaj I on ce sui voditi”  Psalam 37:5

I know….that verse struck me too.  I suspect you have the same reaction I’m having while reading it:  That verse is undeniably hard to understand and that we need an easier-to-read translation.

How’s this:  “Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will act.”  Psalm 37:5

This verse, on this screen at this time can only be explained as a God-ordained happening.  Calling this a coincidence is a slap in the face of God’s sovereignty. 

The church is probably small by American standards, but larger in Croatian standards.  Today, I’ve counted nearly 60 people here.  I’m struck by the age discrepancy.  There are either very old people, or very young people.  There are not a lot of Baby Boomers here. 

They sing in Croatian, and some of the songs I know from hearing them in the states.  They do sing loud.  I wish we in the states would sing that loud.  Taylor lead our American team as they sang two worship songs in English, which maybe five people understood.  But even though they didn’t understand the language, I see them nodding with respect.  We have two preachers today, Vlad and Pero (pronounced like the Spanish word Perro).

Vlad is working in Bosnian outreach, and has a massive plan for August.  Please pray for their efforts.  He speaks on Peter in 2 Peter and how Peter reminded people of the basic elements of the faith to prepare them for his departure.  He stated that if we don’t love Jesus we won’t love others.

Pero is 75, and speaks both Croatian and English.  He is speaking from John 15:1-10.  He states that we as Christians will bear fruit to God’s glory, but in order to bear that fruit, we must undergo discipline at times as well.  I speak with Pero after service.  He is a charismatic (personality not doctrine) man who is quite winsome.  I want to be more like him….because he is like Christ.

It’s noon.  We firm up some plans and could have a modified leadership camp with Timi, Sergei, and a few others.  While this is not what I had hoped….it’s the first time all trip that I can see a ray of sunlight.  I’m encouraged. 

We then head to their version of Super Wal-Mart called InterSPAR.  This is a huge store, actually bigger than a Super WM, with nearly anything you can think of including cars and motor scooters for sale.  We shop for a while, and I buy a Croatian soccer shirt.  Their logo is primarily a red and white checkerboard, which is quite useful, as you can use the shirt for either a tablecloth at a picnic, or a checkers board when you need one in a pinch. 

It’s 3 p.m.  We are at Ratt-man’s, which is a popular ice cream spot in Sisak.  I’ve been pre-told that once a person has Ratt-man’s ice cream, they are ruined for anything else in the states.  On Friday we had someone else’s ice cream, and as I stated, I was going to have to get some more ….for research purposes of course.  So, I greedily had two scoops of Ratt-man.  I have to tell you…..his ice cream definitely makes my top five.  But to give him the title of best in the world?  I’m not so sure I’m ready to concede that to him, especially when we live 100 miles from Blue BellJ!!  As we eat ice cream, the clouds begin to cover us….and within minutes, it’s raining again.

It’s 4 p.m.  We are going to the hospital to see Stefan again.  People are wondering who the big celebrity is that is warranting this much attention.  He seems happy to see us, yet tired.  Well, I guess I would be too if I was undergoing tests, and was missing my family and opportunities that I had waited six months to see happen.

We leave Stefan to go to his parents’ house.  You know about Svetjlana.  Now meet Bronko.  Bronko doesn’t know Christ.  In fact, until last year, Bronko was an agnostic.  But after people prayed fervently for him during a cancer operation and his subsequent healing, he “had to acknowledge that there is a God.”  While he hasn’t crossed the line of faith, Bronko is closer now that before.  We are at their apartment/flat that Stefan shares with Bronko, Svetjlana, and Manuela, Stefan’s 15 year old sister. 

We watch a DVD of the history of Croatia before the soccer/football match featuring Croatia against Austria.  The EuroCup is a big deal, much bigger than anything we have in the states save the Super Bowl.  Again the hospitality of Croatians is so much better than what I find in the states mostly.  Svetjlana fixes pancake/crepes for everyone and insists that we all have some. 

I go into Stefan’s room and check my email.  It’s my first chance since arriving and it’s good to connect with the outside world.  As I’m checking mail, I receive word that we are going to for sure have a modified leadership camp at Mosceniza.  So, it’s back on…..just not at all like I thought.

It’s 6:30 p.m.  We leave the friendly confines to go to church in Petrinja (pa-treen-ah).  Guess who’s preaching? 

Nope, not me.  That’s next week.

It’s Pero again!!  He sees us and “regretfully” informs us that the message he’ll be preaching is the same one from this morning.  We are not too worried.  I’m glad to see him again.  Their church is small, maybe 20 people, but like the service this morning, they sing their lungs out…………and they too have a video projector!!!

Pero asks Taylor to sing, and he does on the spot with no translator.  Much like this morning, the people, even though not understanding a lot, seem to understand that Taylor is singing to God and are very respectful of his efforts. 

It’s 10 p.m.  I’m worn out.  I’m heading to bed soon.  What a roller coaster of a weekend and week so far.  Well….game on tomorrow.

It’s 11:40 a.m. Croatia time.  Due to the very late night, we sleep in.  And to be honest, I think I can sleep another 2 hours.  It’s raining outside.  Not too heavy, but enough to get us scurrying for cover anytime we have to go outside for any reason.

The road is flooded.  The creek that runs underneath the road has bubbled over to the point that the van or rental car probably wouldn’t make it.  So, we have a somewhat forced day to rest.  Heidi, Sam, and Taylor play in the rain, including going rafting down the creek!!  It was funny watching them play and navigate the currents. 

During the day, we play UNO and Spades, and I lose nearly all games.  I used to be good at spades, but have lost my touch.  Oh well.  It was fun playing with everyone and getting to know Grant.

Grant Moss is David’s son.  David is energetic and loud.  Grant is very quiet.  But he has the uncanniest observations.  For example:

“Grant, what are you made of man?”

“Mostly water.”

Priceless and brilliant!

My feeling of goodness is short lived.  Everyone has lumped into a group, and I sense that I’m the odd man out.  David and Hollie are together.  They are in the process of going down the road to engagement.  Heidi and Taylor are together.  They are not in that process, but as stated earlier, are very close friends.  Some people are playing poker.  I don’t know how to play it.  Some people are playing basketball now that the rain has subsided.  I can never play basketball again. 

It’s 7 p.m.  Timi and Sergei, another BEAT leader, come over for a while.  We talk about the week to come.  There is no planning whatsoever, and it is beginning to wear on me.  Apparently tomorrow night there is a big soccer (football) match between Croatia and I think Austria for the EuroCup, and a few people are going into Zagreb to pass out tracts.  Other than that, we aren’t being successful in planning much of anything. 

God, why am I here?  Why did You want me to be on this trip?  Why am I so downcast?  And, can others tell?

I wish I could sugar-coat this, but I can’t.  The brutal truth is this:  I wish I were home.  I can’t begin to state how much I don’t want to be here.

It’s 8:30 a.m.  We are up and about.  I am looking at our sleeping quarters and laugh.  There is mildew on the walls, and the mattresses are older than Harrison Ford in the new Indiana Jones movie.  But my sleep was good.  I thank God for sleep, and head to breakfast.

The shower feels good…but I have temporarily lost my towel!!  Thankfully there are extra’s I can use.  There are two sleeping areas, one called the “Upper House.”  All the guys are staying here.  The reason the cabin is called the “Upper House,” is because it’s uphill.  And my heart is absolutely loving that…….

We leave for the city (Sisak) at 10:30 a.m.  I am getting sleepy as we drive.  It’s semi-rainy, and the weather was supposed to be sunny and hot.  Instead, it’s rainy and cool/borderline cold.  We stop at the church where the BEAT will be later tonight to get some things unloaded and set up.

It’s noon.  We are walking through Sisak.  We see some Roman ruins, and I am struck by a thought.  I bet that the Romans never thought that a few hundred years after their time, that there would be a monument to the fact that they are no longer the ones in charge of the world.  It reminds me of the church in America.  We  think everything is okay, but if we don’t keep praying and trusting God, people will walk by our empty buildings hundreds of years later saying, “they used to be relevant and useful.” 

It’s 1 p.m.  We are at a Sisak coffee shop.  It’s really smoky, which should come to no surprise of anyone who has been to Europe.  I don’t see any Croatians that smile.  They seem depressed….much like me.

We enjoy our time, and the team enjoys their coffee.  We dropped off three teammates, Hollie, Amanda, and Debbie behind and continued walking.  We obtain some Croatian ice cream, which ahead of time has been touted better than anything in America.  While good, really good in fact, I may need some more convincing before I am going to label it the best anywhere.  I may just have to acquire some more ice cream…you know, for tasting purposesJ!!

It’s 2 p.m.  We meet Stefan’s mom, Svetjlana at a local outdoor pizza café.  She buys us lunch.  There are six of us, and does she buy three pizza’s?  No.

Four?  Wrong again.

She buys each of us our individual pizza!!  How hospitable she is.  How convicted I am!  Their pizza is weird to me.  There is a layer of ham underneath the cheese that I scrape off before eating.  Ham and I are not good friends, and that is likely not to change any time soon.  Stefan is doing better, but is still in the hospital. 

She remarks to me how I had changed since she had last seen me.  Apparently she saw me when she visited the States in ’06.  She states that I “have lost my body.  Your muscle.”  Wow.  People laugh.  And externally, so do I.  I know what she is saying.  I also know what my mind is really hearing.  My mind is really hearing “you’ll never be the same guy again.  You will never be strong again.  You are a physical kitty-cat now.  You stink.”  I know that is not true.

Yet, this is what my mind tells me.  And I have to fight that battle, or it will consume me.  We eat, and take pictures around the big river that runs through town before meeting Timi at 4 p.m. 

Timi is one of the BEAT leaders with Stefan and has great English.  He drives us to the hospital to see Stefan.  He is doing okay, but has lost a great deal of weight and is tired.  We hope he gets better and soon.  He will not be at the BEAT tonight.  But he gets to tell us some great news:  Our luggage was delivered to the camp and is all intact!

It’s 6 p.m.  We are at the BEAT location getting ready.  Getting instruments has been a chore due to bad planning.  I’m tired but hopeful.  At 8 p.m., people start showing up.  Stefan and his mom got me a birthday present, which was a Croatia soccer t-shirt and an oversized hat.  I was touched.  What hospitality!! 

It’s 8:15 p.m.  We’re full throttle into the BEAT.  The people like the music, but don’t worship to it.  It’s sad.  While the team is leading in musical worship, people are talking, joking, carrying on.  “It’s just like home,” I mutter to myself.  I go outside the room to pray.  I hadn’t prayed that intensely in a long, long time.  Ephesians 1:17-19 is what I’m praying for them.  I’m praying that their eyes would be opened to Christ.  I barely opened my eyes during the testimonies or Tim’s talk on the gain we get when we follow Christ.  Some people thought I was sick and inquired afterwards.  I was relieved to tell them I was just praying.

It’s 10:30 right now, and I’m still feeling pretty useless.  But I see an opportunity for usefulness, and am going to take it.  What is it?

Vacuuming!!!  People are amazed that I know how.  But thanks to Dad and Nelly, I am a master at it.  And Mandy is grateful too!!  Believe it or not, the first time I feel useful so far…..is pushing a vacuum cleaner.  God is very funny.

It’s 1:30 a.m.  I’m tired.  Who knows what will happen tomorrow.  Will this melancholy go away? 

While the movies were really awful, the food wasn’t half bad for airplane food.  We have arrived in Zagreb a tad early, and are going  to the USO to meet Nick.

Nick Goodier is my best friend.  He and I have known each other for 20 years now, and our friendship has grown over the past two decades.  He is the brother I have never had, and I am like a third brother to him. (he has two natural ones)  He was the best man in my wedding.  I wasn’t in his….but that’s okay….becuase I was the minister performing the ceremony!!!  He and his wife Laurie and daughter Olivia moved to Germany in April as Laurie works for the US military in the childcare department.  I told him about the trip, and he thought it a good time to try to get together. 

After a few minutes (36, but who is really counting), I hear this distinctive voice call my name.  I knew it was Nick.  We found a little airport café, and just had a time to talk.  It did my heart good to see him and his family.  The rest of the crew with us (we had 13 people in total, four others with me on my flight) wasn’t sure what to do, since they didn’t really know him, so they bought some coffee drinks and relaxed while Nick, Laurie, Olivia and I talked and caught up with life.  After about an hour, we headed back to our gate, as we would have to go through security again to get to our terminal.  I can’t say enough how great it was to see Nick, Laurie, and ever-growing Olivia.

Tim and Taylor Johnson, two brothers who both work at the church with me are on this trip.  They really enjoy professional hockey; the Detroit Red Wings their team of choice.  While at the gate awaiting our connection to Zagreb, we are valiantly trying to grab an update of the Stanley Cup playoffs between Detroit and the Pittsburgh Penguins. (now that is a name that makes me quake in fear…. “Hey…you are going to face the mighty, dreaded, feared……….Penguins???? )  We are unsuccessful to grab news on the game. 

Even Tony and Tony don’t know.  Tony is an older man who splits time between Canada and Croatia.  Tony 2 is a middle-30’s guy who is Croatian and also splits time, only his primary residence is in Germany.  They both were talking about the game, and we thought they knew results, but they were asking us if we knew!  Both recommend that we see the coast of Croatia, which is a growing tourist destination. 

While on the bus going to the runway, a college student who was wearing a jacket with “Toronto” on it boarded right next to me.  I am guessing he is Canadian, and he worked for two Toronto sports teams.  I ask about the Stanley Cup, and he remarked that Detroit won the series in the 6^th game.  Tim and Taylor let up a shout of joy, much to the shock of the mostly-elderly crew on the bus. 

It’s 2:30 p.m. Croatia time.  We arrive in Zagreb safely, and make it through their version of customs.  We are at to the baggage claim and wait for our luggage (well, for four of us.  I packed everything on a carry-on).

We wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

And wait some more-more.

Pretty soon, we are the only ones left here.  Our baggage is lost!!!  We are a little shell- shocked, but not too dismayed.

Looking back, lost luggage would not be the only shock on June 5 to come our way.  Tim is checking with airport folks to see what happened, and we meet our host, Allen Hiller, a missionary that works with folks coming to Croatia.  It was there that we find out that Stefan, the young man I told you about in my support letter was in the hospital.  He possibly has mono, and this is a greater shock than luggage.  He was and is a main reason we are here.  Now, our immediate future is up in the air. 

Stefan’s hospitalization would not be the only shock on June 5 to come our way.

We drive from Zagreb to Sisak, where we would be doing most of our work.  We are checking in at the police station, something every foreigner must do.  The police officer doesn’t believe me to be 35.  He thinks I am 19.  That’s funny. 

Okay…stop your laughing….it’s not THAT FUNNY.

After checking in with the cops, we make our way to Andy’s house.  Andy is a worship leader at one of the local churches.  It is here that the real shock came to light.

We aren’t having the leadership camp.  The Slovakian pastors are not coming.  The BEAT leaders are going to still be in school.  Basically, the ENTIRE REASON I am on this trip has now been rendered more obsolete than a VCR in the 21^st century.  I am numb.

I also am a few other things; namely guilty and mad.  I feel as if I should pay every person who gave money to me to be here back, for I’m no longer going for the reasons I stated in my letter.  I feel an acute obligation to those who willingly gave me money to be here, and really feel crushed.  I almost feel as if I have lied to them.  While I haven’t lied, it really feels that way.  I am finding myself getting extremely angry internally with Allen. 

He has known that those guys would be in school, yet he schedules this camp anyways?  That makes no sense to me whatsoever, and angers me to no end.  Some of you may know that I have quite a temper.  If I’m yelling about something, or being animated, that’s actually a good thing.  That means I am not so mad.

When I become very quiet, it’s probably best not to talk to me at that point, for I am approaching volcanic levels of anger.  At this point, I am so angry that I not only become quiet, I have to lie down.  My head is spinning.

No leadership camp.

Lost luggage.

Our main go-to guy is in the hospital.

And the missionary that is supposed to help us isn’t helping at all. 

I am really having a hard time understanding Allen right now.  David Moss told me before hand that he has a very dry wit and sense of humor, and often will say something very caustic at first to test you.  He also speaks softly at times, making it hard to understand him.  I have to continually ask him to repeat himself.  Now, I am all for wit, sense of humor, and caustic.  I live and breathe those things. 

Not having a back-up plan?  I’m not at all for that. 

Not making people aware of MASSIVE changes to the ENTIRE REASON you have come?  I’m not at all for that either.

When I inquire about the plan, he remarks with a “We’ll see. Be flexible”  I have to lay back down, otherwise I may spontaneously combust.  I am floored…..pardon the pun.  I am in disbelief that he does not have a back-up plan.

Nothing.

Nada.

Zip.

But, I’m preaching on June 15^{th at} Andy’s church.  While I am honored, I am not aware of this until he tells me.  I have not planned to speak at all other than the training sessions.  I had found out about the extra BEAT café that they added on June 13^th the day before we left and was planning what to do.  Now, I’m preaching again.  Don’t get me wrong, I love preaching, and have gotten comfortable in front of people.  It’s a matter of planning.  He can think ahead two weeks to a Sunday morning church service, but he cannot think about the main reason I’m here?

Like I said earlier, I am really having a hard time dealing with this.  Yet, I know these things:  God is good.  God is in control of all things.  God made Allen in His image and loves Allen unconditionally.  And…..God is calling me to love who He has made regardless of how I feel.  Allen is not the problem, no matter what I think.

I am the problem. 

I cannot change Allen, or anything/one else.  I can only, by God’s great grace, change myself.

It’s 7 p.m. and we are at the camp to unload luggage and get settled in.  I try to help get suitcases unloaded, and get rebuffed time after time.  “You want to pace yourself Jason” is what I hear.

Yeah, I think…..that’s why I have a pacemakerJ!!

Finally, one teammate asks me if I “can handle picking up that water bottle” laying on the floor of the van.  I know he was joking.  He knows he’s joking.  But that comment hurts on a level I wasn’t previously aware existed.  I am feeling completely useless.

I want to go home already.

I feel like I’ve been brought here under false pretenses.  I cannot think objectively at this point, so as I am writing this and fleshing this out, I am guilty of extreme bias. 

We are eating a late dinner of sandwiches, which is fine by me, and we are about to meet as a team (all 13 are here now) for the first time.

It’s 9 p.m.  Each of us shares our testimony.  I am hearing some amazing stories; stories that help me lift my gaze from my current despondency.  God has done some unique things in the lives of Tim, Taylor, Amanda, Heidi, Debbie, Kathi, Keaton, David, Hollie, Sam, Grant, and Ian.  I notice that some common elements emerge in their stories of faith:

            -They all have grown up in church.

            -Their parents have taken them to church.

            -They all rebelled in ways big and small.

            -God has captured their hearts.

It’s near midnight in Croatia.  I hope that our time here is really worth it.  Unfortunately, I fear that it will not be.

God, will you make this worth Your time? 

NOTE:  These are the very raw, semi-filtered journal notes of my voyage to Croatia.  They may not be liked.  They will often be un-pretty.  But they are true; both factually and personally.  I have held little back in either praise or dissatisfaction.  As you read, realize that you are reading (as best as I can write it) the “real-time” way I was processing events as they happened.

Croatia Chronicles part 1:  Excited  6.4.08

It’s 5 a.m.  I can’t sleep.  I know, I know, what’s new?  For the last three years I’ve dealt on and off (more on than off) with insomnia, but I don’t think it’s the insomnia this time.

I’m going to Croatia.  I’ve never been there.  It’s my first out-of-country trip in nearly five years.  And it’s my first major undertaking since the pacemaker.

My life changed forever on Tuesday, April 22, 2008.  It was that day that I received a gift called a Medtronic pacemaker, that will allow my heart to beat more regularly for the next five years (after that, get a new battery and away we go for another five).  While I still see the pacemaker as a great gift of God’s grace, I am also struggling.

For the last year, I’ve been really struggling with my sense of calling.  I’ve been a youth pastor at my church for 7.5 years (the average tenure of American youth pastors being about 22 months.  So I’ve overstayed my welcome by a long shot)  At times, I have been sorely depressed, a condition that I have also struggled with off and on. 

I’m mixed as I prepare to leave.  On the one hand, I’m excited at the prospects of ministry that await on this new country for me.  Croatia has only been free for the past 15 years after a great war.  Over there, the presence of the Catholic church looms large in terms of influence power-wise.  Many Catholics see biblical Christianity as a cult over there.  So our task is great, and God-sized.  For that, I’m excited to see how God will use, stretch, and sustain me.

I am also quite bruised emotionally.  The whole pacemaker ordeal has hit me in some fresh, unexpected ways.  While I “know” that I am distinctly human, I’ve never had such a vivid brush with my own mortality.  And………….I’m a different person.  I’m more prone to bits of feeling melancholy than ever before.  And to be brutally honest, I hate it.  I hate being depressed.  I also hate feeling useless, which unfortunately, I’ve never felt more of than the last six months.

Compounding the problem of the pacemaker, and the uselessness is the situation in our church right now.  Finances are steadily………..shaky.  We’re a few weeks away it seems from deeper budget cuts and staff salary reductions.  At times, it seems as if we are afraid to dream as a church.  I know I am afraid to dream.  Also, some very close friends of ours recently left the church under circumstances that are not so good.  I don’t agree with them leaving.  I wish they had stayed.  Losing them has been a gigantic hole relationally for me, since they have more than a few family members that go to our church as well.

So, as one can tell, I’m more mixed up right now that Britney Spears in a barber’s chair.  Here’s my big question:  God,, will you use me?  Can you use me? 

Because I want to be used.  Badly.

It’s 9 a.m.  I’m in a place I’ve not been able to visit for six weeks.  I’m in the weight room.

And I must confess, it feels really good.  I can lift modified weights, which I will do and I won’t push it at all.  Okay, that last point was a lie.  I will push, but not too badly.  Adam Nixon is my workout partner, and I’m glad to be working out with him again.  We had a light but nice workout, and left.  As I got home, I started to get in the “zone.” 

The “zone” is a place I travel to when something big is going on event-wise, or preaching.  I stare at a faraway place, and just go deep into thought.  At times, people find it fairly difficult to communicate with me while in the zone, which I can understand.  They think I’m blowing them off, which isn’t true at all.  The truth is; I’m just too simple to do more than one thing well at one time. 

I maintain a semi-zone like stance while we travel to Bush Intercontinental Airport to fly out.  Here is our itinerary:

3:35 p.m.  Lufthansa flight to Frankfurt, Germany.  Arrive in Frankfurt at 8:20 a.m.

12:40 p.m.  Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt to Zagreb, Croatia (Biggest city in the country, about an hour away from where we are staying.

It’s 1:15 p.m.  We arrive safely at the airport, but there’s a long line at the Lufthansa counter, and it’s not moving any time quickly.  “God, please just get us on the plane,” I silently pray.  I am very quiet in the line. I am thinking….about God…and about life.

Today is my 35^th birthday.  I’ve never looked more forward to one, nor been more scared of one than this one.  My mortality is somewhat on my mind more now than ever.  Will I make my life count?  Will I use and leverage my life for the expansion for the kingdom of God?  Will I ever not be a complete nerd? 

Answers:  I hope/ I am trying/ Never.

It’s 2:20 p.m.  We begin checking in with about an hour to spare.  But that’s not a lot of time, due to enhanced security and a great amount of people traveling.  The x-ray screening line was lengthy.  It wrapped around like a snake, and I knew what was to come.  See, I can’t go through the x-ray like a normal human anymore.  I have to be hand-checked due to the pacemaker.  And I was legitimately concerned about the time, for it was running out.  I did get through the line by God’s grace.  And we began the trek towards our gate.

It’s 3 p.m.  We are at the gate.  My seat number is 52C, which isn’t first or business class, but good ole’ nice “Economy” class.  The plane is huge.  It’s a 747, so I know it’s not the biggest ever, but still, it’s huge.  I have to maintain a proper perspective though.  While the plane was big, it is but a speck in the sky.  While the sky is big, it is but a speck in the universe.  While the universe is big….it was made by a word from a much bigger God.  God is bigger than this plane, my fears, a pacemaker, and lines of people.  While I know that, I need to live by that.

It’s 5 p.m. (12 a.m. Croatia time)  The plane is in the air.  Bad movies, and even worse food wait for me.  There is no turning back now.  For better or worse emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I’m going to Croatia.

 What will await me there?  Only time, and God will tell.

We made it back successfully, which I guess you can tell due to my writing once again in caps and using some forms of punctuation.

An official croatia recap is heading your way in mere…….days.

it is saturday around 3 p.m. in croatia and all is relatively quiet.  i honestly still feel out of place here, and suspect that will not change by the time tuesday rolls around.

last night went beyond well.  thanks to the great grace and hand of God.  now i know, as good christians we should ‘give all thanks’ to God, but i do not mean this tritely.  without God, this would be a complete flop of a night.  because of Him, it was a feast of His splendor on display.

i am keeping a log of each day in short form, which i will post here when i get back home.

here are some highlights to come…

sunday   preaching in the a.m. (was not scheduled originally to preach at all, which has turned into three different times, two of which i was not aware of when we left….)  visiting friends in the p.m.

monday   work day, debrief, and get ready for home. 

tuesday   we leave camp at 4 a.m. to get to Zagreb (biggest city in Croatia at 1 million strong) for our flight to Frankfurt.  we have a 90 minute layover in Frankfurt before the trek to Chicago.  From Chicago, we will have some time before landing (Lord willing) at 617 p.m.

i will begin posting recaps on Friday.

jason

i am going to frustrate grammar and syntax purists anywhere with this post, as i neither know nor care to know how to navigate a croatian keyboard to figure out CAPS or parentheses…

we are here.  everything that we have planned has changed.  flexible is one thing….but this is a wholly different animal.  yet…strangely, i am sensing that god is in control.

our leadership camp was torpedoed by school in croatia.  yet we have had a modified version anyway.  i was not planning on preaching at all…..and now, i will be preaching three times in five days. 

i am not sure how to sort this all out.  everything we worked so hard for has not turned out the way we thought nor were told would play out.  yet there are other opportunites that have opened up that we can take advantage of.  for me…..i guess that would include the preaching opportunities.

pray for me.  my body is frustrating me.  i keep on getting flutters anytime i do anything remotely taxing.  like mowing the lawn at the camp we are at.  (all five acres of it)…hey that was a parentheses!!!  i knwo that the alternative (like no heart beat) is worse, but i am beginning to grow very weary of the whole flutter thing.

tomorrow night is the beat, the youth outreach.  i am going to talk about the pacemaker and related to the deeper heart problem we all have…sin.  please pray.

sunday, i am preaching.  and i have currently no idea as to what i am going to do.  pray again.

more soon,

jason