NOTE: These are the very raw, semi-filtered journal notes of my voyage to Croatia. They may not be liked. They will often be un-pretty. But they are true; both factually and personally. I have held little back in either praise or dissatisfaction. As you read, realize that you are reading (as best as I can write it) the “real-time” way I was processing events as they happened.
Croatia Chronicles part 1: Excited 6.4.08
It’s 5 a.m. I can’t sleep. I know, I know, what’s new? For the last three years I’ve dealt on and off (more on than off) with insomnia, but I don’t think it’s the insomnia this time.
I’m going to Croatia. I’ve never been there. It’s my first out-of-country trip in nearly five years. And it’s my first major undertaking since the pacemaker.
My life changed forever on Tuesday, April 22, 2008. It was that day that I received a gift called a Medtronic pacemaker, that will allow my heart to beat more regularly for the next five years (after that, get a new battery and away we go for another five). While I still see the pacemaker as a great gift of God’s grace, I am also struggling.
For the last year, I’ve been really struggling with my sense of calling. I’ve been a youth pastor at my church for 7.5 years (the average tenure of American youth pastors being about 22 months. So I’ve overstayed my welcome by a long shot) At times, I have been sorely depressed, a condition that I have also struggled with off and on.
I’m mixed as I prepare to leave. On the one hand, I’m excited at the prospects of ministry that await on this new country for me. Croatia has only been free for the past 15 years after a great war. Over there, the presence of the Catholic church looms large in terms of influence power-wise. Many Catholics see biblical Christianity as a cult over there. So our task is great, and God-sized. For that, I’m excited to see how God will use, stretch, and sustain me.
I am also quite bruised emotionally. The whole pacemaker ordeal has hit me in some fresh, unexpected ways. While I “know” that I am distinctly human, I’ve never had such a vivid brush with my own mortality. And………….I’m a different person. I’m more prone to bits of feeling melancholy than ever before. And to be brutally honest, I hate it. I hate being depressed. I also hate feeling useless, which unfortunately, I’ve never felt more of than the last six months.
Compounding the problem of the pacemaker, and the uselessness is the situation in our church right now. Finances are steadily………..shaky. We’re a few weeks away it seems from deeper budget cuts and staff salary reductions. At times, it seems as if we are afraid to dream as a church. I know I am afraid to dream. Also, some very close friends of ours recently left the church under circumstances that are not so good. I don’t agree with them leaving. I wish they had stayed. Losing them has been a gigantic hole relationally for me, since they have more than a few family members that go to our church as well.
So, as one can tell, I’m more mixed up right now that Britney Spears in a barber’s chair. Here’s my big question: God,, will you use me? Can you use me?
Because I want to be used. Badly.
It’s 9 a.m. I’m in a place I’ve not been able to visit for six weeks. I’m in the weight room.
And I must confess, it feels really good. I can lift modified weights, which I will do and I won’t push it at all. Okay, that last point was a lie. I will push, but not too badly. Adam Nixon is my workout partner, and I’m glad to be working out with him again. We had a light but nice workout, and left. As I got home, I started to get in the “zone.”
The “zone” is a place I travel to when something big is going on event-wise, or preaching. I stare at a faraway place, and just go deep into thought. At times, people find it fairly difficult to communicate with me while in the zone, which I can understand. They think I’m blowing them off, which isn’t true at all. The truth is; I’m just too simple to do more than one thing well at one time.
I maintain a semi-zone like stance while we travel to Bush Intercontinental Airport to fly out. Here is our itinerary:
3:35 p.m. Lufthansa flight to Frankfurt, Germany. Arrive in Frankfurt at 8:20 a.m.
12:40 p.m. Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt to Zagreb, Croatia (Biggest city in the country, about an hour away from where we are staying.
It’s 1:15 p.m. We arrive safely at the airport, but there’s a long line at the Lufthansa counter, and it’s not moving any time quickly. “God, please just get us on the plane,” I silently pray. I am very quiet in the line. I am thinking….about God…and about life.
Today is my 35th birthday. I’ve never looked more forward to one, nor been more scared of one than this one. My mortality is somewhat on my mind more now than ever. Will I make my life count? Will I use and leverage my life for the expansion for the kingdom of God? Will I ever not be a complete nerd?
Answers: I hope/ I am trying/ Never.
It’s 2:20 p.m. We begin checking in with about an hour to spare. But that’s not a lot of time, due to enhanced security and a great amount of people traveling. The x-ray screening line was lengthy. It wrapped around like a snake, and I knew what was to come. See, I can’t go through the x-ray like a normal human anymore. I have to be hand-checked due to the pacemaker. And I was legitimately concerned about the time, for it was running out. I did get through the line by God’s grace. And we began the trek towards our gate.
It’s 3 p.m. We are at the gate. My seat number is 52C, which isn’t first or business class, but good ole’ nice “Economy” class. The plane is huge. It’s a 747, so I know it’s not the biggest ever, but still, it’s huge. I have to maintain a proper perspective though. While the plane was big, it is but a speck in the sky. While the sky is big, it is but a speck in the universe. While the universe is big….it was made by a word from a much bigger God. God is bigger than this plane, my fears, a pacemaker, and lines of people. While I know that, I need to live by that.
It’s 5 p.m. (12 a.m. Croatia time) The plane is in the air. Bad movies, and even worse food wait for me. There is no turning back now. For better or worse emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I’m going to Croatia.
What will await me there? Only time, and God will tell.
